By Miro Bergam (V)
“Lean into discomfort.” This phrase may sound familiar from the multiple diversity assemblies you’ve been asked to attend in your years at Pingry. It is a part of a list of “conversation norms” that Pingry’s diversity work is grounded in. For many people, this phrase and the list of norms have gone in one ear and out the other. However, I have found that recently, the world that surrounds us has given these norms more context. In particular, I believe the political conversations our country is currently engaging in and the way they translate tangibly into our interpersonal relationships and lives at Pingry has made the norm of leaning into discomfort a necessity.
I had this realization at a leadership workshop hosted by Pingry’s diversity department this past August. Student leaders from sports teams, clubs, Student Government, SDLC, and Honor Board were asked to attend this training session, which involved engaging in different activities led by John Gentile, a diversity practitioner who specializes in working with white males.
In the latter half of the activity, the white males at the workshop were isolated into their own group. For the first few minutes, the group was dead silent. The silence was killing the whole intention of holding such a group: everyone was supposed to lean into discomfort and air out the white male opinions that are often overlooked in diversity work. But once people started participating, lightning struck the room: it was uncomfortable, it was problematic, and heads were clashing, but it was exactly what we needed. Everyone leaned a little bit out of their comfort zones, and it unearthed a landmine of opinions we desperately needed to addressed and confront in our world of white supremacist marches and national anthem debates.
Last week, Mr. Conard delivered a much needed speech addressing these conflicts. He shared his own opinion denouncing the white supremacists who marched in Charlottesville, and he commented on the way our current atmosphere politicizes every aspect of our lives, even including our day-to-day conversations.
One of his main points was that although he finds the white supremacists’ stances abhorrent, he believes “they have a right to voice their opinions.” This may strike some people as the opposite of what we should be doing—if their opinions are “wrong,” then why should we even give them a platform? Along the lines of Mr. Conard’s statement, I argue that continuing to push these repulsive opinions under the radar is simply feeding a large, silent beast of discontent and frustration that is occasionally released in horrifying moments like the white supremacist rallies that have swept Charlottesville.
Through hearing out the opinions of Pingry’s white males at the leadership workshop this summer and listening to dissenting opinions as a leader of the white affinity group, I have learned that the endgame is not always about coming to an agreement, changing someone’s mind, or “winning” the argument. All it takes is a dialogue and platform that respects both sides, regardless of how ugly each person thinks the other’s opinions are, to begin chipping away at the massive divide that seems to have polarized our country and school recently. Simply honoring someone’s opinion by hearing it out, regardless of whether or not you agree with it, builds a sense of mutual respect.
The key to this is leaning into discomfort. If you have a far left opinion that you think no one will take seriously, lean into discomfort and voice it. If you have a far right opinion that you feel has no place at Pingry, step out of your comfort zone and let it be known. I believe Mr. Conard did an amazing job of stepping out of his comfort zone to address the school on such a contentious issue—setting an example we should be seeing more often from our school’s leadership in such divided times.
I urge you to follow his lead: join the open forums, attend affinity groups, and engage in difficult conversations. As long as you hold these dialogues in a productive way, without the goal of “winning” over or “beating” others, then you should find spaces to voice your opinion and lean all the way into discomfort. In Mr. Conard’s words, “I encourage you to engage in respectful dialogue about these issues—they are not going to go away.”